Spitting Logic Into The Eye of A Diseased Reality

George Carlin was known, in part, for his comdeic, yet genuine, annoyance with the English language going too far to make everything into something it's not. As time progresses, this becomes more and more apparent. Even in my own everyday life, it has reared it's ugly head and wreaked severe irritation in my brain space.

My beef is with jobs. Everyone's got one. (Myself happily exlcuded, lest I fall head first into the bullshit.) Although, for some reason, everyone's job is GREAT. Thank you, Superflous Terminology.

An hors d'oeuvre, if you will, to whet your appetite for destruction...

People who run a register aren't retail jockeys. They're "in sales".

Moving along, Bank Tellers are no longer just that. They refer to themselves as "bankers". NO! Bankers handle obscene amounts of money that no one ever sees to make other people rich. They DO NOT help Rosalita Lopez decide how much money to keep from her paycheck she receives from her "career" in "hotel sanitation". Nor, in turn, do they retrieve $20.00 from Darnell Jackon's checking account so that he may go buy a handle of gin for juice.

Now, let's return to Darnell for a moment. What could he possibly do to put the few pennies in his pocket for buying the afforementioned gin? Why he's a "janitorial engineer" of course. A lucrative career in the "custodial arts". Custodial arts? Would that make someone a custodial artist? If so, it would probably be considered "working with mixed media", lunch trash and sawdusted vomit. Very cultural. A true modern art movement. Have fun, Picasso. There's snot on your shoes.

Next on my list is housewives. I know the term is dated. It really is. I can live with "stay at home mom'. It's offers a greater sense of gratification and fosters a sense of maternity. I really am all for this upgrade. I will NOT, however, accept "domestic engineer". It is ridiculous. Yes, you work hard, but it ain't engineering, Sweetie. It's just hard, generally thankless work. Get used to it. You also have snot on your shoes.

I've known a few people who have been in school for many more years than are necessary. Not out of stupidity mind you, but out of some other undisclosed reason. I call these people Van Wilders. Some may even refer to them as "professional students". Acceptable at best. But, surely upon asking them yourself, you will hear that they are "scholars". They never want to stop learning! How valiant. Never stop learning! (Never start working either...)

Let's put bartending under the microscope next. Its wild. Its exciting. Its fun. You meet new people and get them shitfaced. Your everybody's hero on a Friday night. But, please, quit while your ahead and stop calling it "mixology". There is no science. Ratios, I will concur, but no great scientific involvement. Also, the suffix "-ology" refers to "the study of". You know how to mix drinks, you know what's in them. You are not studying them intently to devise a scientific compund or to understand them further. You are serving them, much to the enjoyment of others. Keep up the good work and stop thinking so damn hard.

Let's get one more thing straight. If you work in a paint store, you work in a paint store. That is all. You are not "in interior design". Nor are you "in construction" just because contractors come in and buy paint from your establishment. If this is this case, then knowing someone with a car makes me a race car driver. Woo Hoo!

While we're at it. I may as well inform you that waiters and waitresses are a thing of the past! In today's androgynous world where the line between masculine and feminine is ever blurring, we have "servers". Decent upgrade I must say, but seemingly uneccesary. Either way you are catering to people's dining whims beacause they will tip you a small amount of money for your exhausting efforts to please them. Waiting or Serving, neither are pleasant activities and both denote subservience to another. Why not try "culinary courier"? Yeah, that should do. You are delivering their cuisine....so why the hell not? It's gonna happen. Wait and see.

So, if everyone can puff up they're job with intelligent gobbledy gook, what's next? Where does it end? Even my own father, who is a "phone guy", is now referred to as a "technician". He goes to people's houses to rectify the phone trouble they may be having. Why doesn't he get all juiced up and beef up his resume, while we're all at it? Why, after all, in today's world, couldn't he now be considered a "telecommunications liason"?

Seriously, this crap needs to end. You're job sucks. Love or leave it, just quit re-naming it.