Spitting Logic Into The Eye of A Diseased Reality

George Carlin was known, in part, for his comdeic, yet genuine, annoyance with the English language going too far to make everything into something it's not. As time progresses, this becomes more and more apparent. Even in my own everyday life, it has reared it's ugly head and wreaked severe irritation in my brain space.

My beef is with jobs. Everyone's got one. (Myself happily exlcuded, lest I fall head first into the bullshit.) Although, for some reason, everyone's job is GREAT. Thank you, Superflous Terminology.

An hors d'oeuvre, if you will, to whet your appetite for destruction...

People who run a register aren't retail jockeys. They're "in sales".

Moving along, Bank Tellers are no longer just that. They refer to themselves as "bankers". NO! Bankers handle obscene amounts of money that no one ever sees to make other people rich. They DO NOT help Rosalita Lopez decide how much money to keep from her paycheck she receives from her "career" in "hotel sanitation". Nor, in turn, do they retrieve $20.00 from Darnell Jackon's checking account so that he may go buy a handle of gin for juice.

Now, let's return to Darnell for a moment. What could he possibly do to put the few pennies in his pocket for buying the afforementioned gin? Why he's a "janitorial engineer" of course. A lucrative career in the "custodial arts". Custodial arts? Would that make someone a custodial artist? If so, it would probably be considered "working with mixed media", lunch trash and sawdusted vomit. Very cultural. A true modern art movement. Have fun, Picasso. There's snot on your shoes.

Next on my list is housewives. I know the term is dated. It really is. I can live with "stay at home mom'. It's offers a greater sense of gratification and fosters a sense of maternity. I really am all for this upgrade. I will NOT, however, accept "domestic engineer". It is ridiculous. Yes, you work hard, but it ain't engineering, Sweetie. It's just hard, generally thankless work. Get used to it. You also have snot on your shoes.

I've known a few people who have been in school for many more years than are necessary. Not out of stupidity mind you, but out of some other undisclosed reason. I call these people Van Wilders. Some may even refer to them as "professional students". Acceptable at best. But, surely upon asking them yourself, you will hear that they are "scholars". They never want to stop learning! How valiant. Never stop learning! (Never start working either...)

Let's put bartending under the microscope next. Its wild. Its exciting. Its fun. You meet new people and get them shitfaced. Your everybody's hero on a Friday night. But, please, quit while your ahead and stop calling it "mixology". There is no science. Ratios, I will concur, but no great scientific involvement. Also, the suffix "-ology" refers to "the study of". You know how to mix drinks, you know what's in them. You are not studying them intently to devise a scientific compund or to understand them further. You are serving them, much to the enjoyment of others. Keep up the good work and stop thinking so damn hard.

Let's get one more thing straight. If you work in a paint store, you work in a paint store. That is all. You are not "in interior design". Nor are you "in construction" just because contractors come in and buy paint from your establishment. If this is this case, then knowing someone with a car makes me a race car driver. Woo Hoo!

While we're at it. I may as well inform you that waiters and waitresses are a thing of the past! In today's androgynous world where the line between masculine and feminine is ever blurring, we have "servers". Decent upgrade I must say, but seemingly uneccesary. Either way you are catering to people's dining whims beacause they will tip you a small amount of money for your exhausting efforts to please them. Waiting or Serving, neither are pleasant activities and both denote subservience to another. Why not try "culinary courier"? Yeah, that should do. You are delivering their cuisine....so why the hell not? It's gonna happen. Wait and see.

So, if everyone can puff up they're job with intelligent gobbledy gook, what's next? Where does it end? Even my own father, who is a "phone guy", is now referred to as a "technician". He goes to people's houses to rectify the phone trouble they may be having. Why doesn't he get all juiced up and beef up his resume, while we're all at it? Why, after all, in today's world, couldn't he now be considered a "telecommunications liason"?

Seriously, this crap needs to end. You're job sucks. Love or leave it, just quit re-naming it.

The More You Know...

This is a Public Service Announcement. The following people are shining examples of what NOT to be.

1. Governor of California, Arnold Schwartzeneggar, believes that: "Gay marriage should be somehting between a man and a woman" If you don't understand what's wrong with that, I don't understand what's wrong with you.

2. People who own guns have a higher murder rate. No shit! Thank whatever god we pray to that we don't have to wonder about such things anymore.

3. Joaquin Phoenix believes he has "a large frog in his hair" and it gives him a "sensation of his brain being eaten". While a seemingly stimulating experience, he apparently does not like this .

4. It's been reported that Celine Dion's once infant son would cry when she sang him a lullaby...which may or may have been the national anthem of her home planet.

5. Paris Hilton has been referred to as "a fart in a mitten. You know it's there. You can't stand it. And, you can't get rid of it." Here she can be seen proving not only the truthfulness of the previous statment, but also that mittens inevitably come in a matching pair.

6. Pepa is a rappa. Just ask raging super hag Janice Dickinson.

I think now that Fact #2 has been discovered, the preceding imbeciles should buy guns and shoot each other. Or take Tara Reid's advice:



"If you all wanna be mean to each other. Just go buy a country and like blow each other up."

So, now you know. And knowing is half the battle. The rest is just waiting for the sweet release of death. --------------->

Arguing Amputees

A guy with no arms is arguing with a guy with no legs...who wins the argument?

The guy with no arms becasue the other guy doesn't have a leg to stand on!

So the guy with no arms starts bragging about winning. He says, "I can't beat you anytime!".

The guy with no legs replies, "Oh yeah? You and what army?

Why is it always these thoughts that start my day? Why can't I just grope around for coffee like

everyone else?

Rats Have An Uncanny Survival Instinct.....

Why on earth anyone thinks Sara Michelle Gellar is "hot" is beyond me? In case you don't know who I'm talking about, she's the rat who played Buffy for the TV series and then was gracious enough to fall off the face of the earth when Freddie Prinze Jr. gave her a pity wedding. I might understand how some desperate nerd could get all hot and bothered watching her destroy vampires, but even that's a stretch considereing it wasn't even SciFi channel material, and they'll put ANYTHING on their station that involves a set of boobs flouncing about kicking an unrealistic amount of preternatural ass. I might even allow the ONE time she had a lesbian kiss in a movie scene to be her claim to hotness. But, on top of it, even if we choose to exclude her painfully pointy nose, jutting clavicles, and her grotesquely thin lips and the fact that she plays a sex crazed catholic coke fiend hellbent on fucking her brother (not, not, NOT hot), her on screen slobber fest (literally.) was with sensual man beast, Selma Blair.

In what universe does that not cause shrivled penises? I don't even have a penis and it's scared and disgusted. So, you can imagine my bemusement when on one of my daily sites, I find that she has been selected for a sexy photo shoot/print ad. First of all, she's not relevant. I think she went back down into the sewers to train the Ninja Turtles after she got married.

Second, she's NOT even remotely attractive. Apparently, you can put anything in garters and it will visually satisfy enough people to warrant an entire photo shoot. I'd like to see Cameron Manheim get away with this. Plus, what the hell is that face she's making? She looks like Garth Algar from Wayne's World.

It's this kind of shit that makes me regret letting the serfs find out about the printing press. No more, cruel cruel world. I beg of you! No more!

Those Darn Kids!

I was thinking the other day....

You know what's FUNNY? A baby getting hit in the soft spot.
You what's FUNNIER? A baby getting hit in the soft spot with another baby.
You know what's FUNNIEST? A baby getting hit in the soft spot by another baby's soft spot.

Ironic, no? Hell seems nice this time of year, I don't mind going.